putting my pants on...

around 7 am this morning I stopped at Starbucks on my way to work/Kens 5 TV station for a live spot on their AM news show Great Day SA. I usually make coffee but due to the early hour, I thought I'd just make a "quick" stop at Starbucks. So, as I pull into the overcrowded strip-center parking lot I have to swerve to barely miss an oncoming SUV with some stupid-ass crazy Volvo driving soccer mom yelling at her kids.

Well, I manage to get parked, safely, walk in and am shocked to see the line is almost to the fucking door and is full of like a million little twelve year-old kids in their catholic school uniforms. Isn't there like an age limit on who can legally drink coffee? Do 12 year-old hyperactive children who probably are already drugged up on adderall and/or ritalin really need caffeine? Seriously, I am supposed to be somewhere in like 30 minutes and these little fucks are going to take forever ordering their double shot vanilla caramel chocolate latte machiatos or whatever the fuck it is a 12 year old at Starbucks at 7 am drinks... ugh!

So, as I'm waiting in this ridiculous line my phone rings. Most of my contacts have customized ring tones, and this particular one happened to be "A Whole New World..." AKA work. Our office isn't even open, so I'm like who could be calling me??? So, as if this morning couldn't get any better (that's supposed to be sarcasm), I get a phone call from one of our most "special" employees...

Here's how the phone call goes:

"Special Employee": uuuhhh um uuhhh Hellooo is is the this is this uh Meg?

Meg: (I'm thinking: no you fucking moron, it's your mom) Yes, insert special employee's name, this is Meg.

"S.E.": Uhhh well this this is uhhh ummm insert special employee's name, and I uuhhh have ummm a qu-qu-question.

Meg: (I'm thinking: no shit Sherlock, why else would you be calling me at 7 am?) yes, insert special employee's name, what do you need?

"S.E.": Well, uhh la-la-last night I uh had to uh dr-dr-drive uh my uh significant oth-oth-others c-c-ccccar on an er-er-errand and uh well I uhh p-p-put um her uh ke-ke-keys uhh in my uhhh po-po-pockettt.

Well uh I uhh well I was pu-pu-putting on my pants and my boo-boots this morning and I uhh forgot that I uh had the keys in them. So I uhh need to ummm uhh well uhh to uh clock-out and ummm take her um the keys so um she can uhhh drive to uh work.

Meg: ok, insert special employee's name, just do whatever you need to do and please don't forget to clock out. Click, as in I hang up before he spews out anymore diarrhea of the mouth.


So, I wish that these blogs could be more interactive, because I would really love to know what others thought of "Special Employee's" rantings. Here are my thoughts:

A. Technically you don't have to be at work until 8 am, so go deal with it before then! I mean fuck it was only like 7 am, so just go, take her the keys, get back within the hour and don't bother me with a 10 minute long phone call to see if it is ok if you clock out and leave!

B. Why didn't you ask your direct supervisor? Oh wait, that's because he's on vacation for like the 5th time this year.

C. I really could have gone the rest of my life without knowing how you put your pants or boots on in the morning. Thank you for creating that disturbing visual image that I still have not managed to get out of my head.

Moral of the story- when you see a long line at Starbucks, full of catholic uniform-clad school kids... turn around and get back in the car and be sure that you don't answer the phone if it rings to the song "A Whole New World"... you are pretty much guaranteed to be annoyed otherwise.